I have heard from a reliable source Iggy, that when the local and outlying parks and reserves in the Christchurch and Canterbury area are depleted, a master plan will be put into action. Lawn Bowls is not an option. As the desire will be there, to detect the greens and surrounds for buried Bowling Memorabilia. This will incur the wrath of fellow bowlers and create disharmony. I do believe that at the recent get together in Christchurch, the " Master Plan" was discussed, with I might add, great secrecy. But unbeknown to those attending, I had managed to insert my agent, the day before the meeting and covert listening devices were secreted at various locations. These proved to be, without doubt, of great use, and excellent intelligence was received and recorded.
At this stage I feel I must confess my interest and the reasons for my drive, and the covert operation tactics that I have employed. I am an active member, of The New Zealand Historic Places Trust, Greenpeace NZ, NZ Turf Culture, Hagley Park Green Keepers Association, Canterbury Horticulturists Association, I also hold a Masters Degree in Archaeology from the University of Hawaii. Now having revealed myself, I can at last sleep at nights.
At a recent meeting of " The Hagley Park Greenkeepers Association " The subject of " Turf Ringworm" was once again discussed at great length. This turf virus seems to strike without rhyme or reason. And it is our conclusion that the virus, is an nocturnal occurrence, in the Canterbury Region. Various sprays were tried without success, soil samples were sent to " The University of Hawaii" in an effort to establish what soil pathogens were causing this unsightly nocturnal occurrence. No pathogens or virus's were detected.
Recently one of our members visited the United Kingdom. And being an avid Television addict, watched many British series. It was after he watched a BBC series, called, " The Detectorists" that finally our question was answered, and we came to better understand our nocturnal visitors. Instead of wings, they had two feet. So we set about infiltrating them, hence our covert surveillance and the use of Undercover Agents.
After the intelligence from the meeting was analysed we concluded, that the occurrence of Canterbury Ringworm is on the decline. And is likely to decline further this year. This is due to the, (as discussed at the Meeting) lack of " Finds" and virgin ground available. The Tect Talk which is second nature to these folk, did have us somewhat confused. Such terms, as Brit, silvers, Gothic, Bulls Head, and many others. Finds and Virgins we could understand, both are indeed hard to find, these days.
It was pleasing to hear, the talk around of what these people call " plugs" and how they go about making them, in effort to not destabilize the growth and ground. Many I feel would make excellent ground keepers, as they have an understanding of the science of " The Turf". It is now apparent to us, that Canterbury Ring Worm, is the work of Detecting Renegades, The lone wolf who has no love or feel for the turf. It is apparent to our members, when they do their early morning rounds of their " Turf" as to who has been where. Much like hunting for mushrooms. In fact we have a little competition going on at the moment amongst our fraternity. Who can find the "Best Plug" and who can find the worst. The " Best Plug" has very little entry's, as quite simply we cannot locate them. But there are a few entry's in the worst plug category, sadly. But as I have said, this is the work of renegades who are looked down on, and also hunted by what we have termed, "The True Detectorists" we hope they have happy hunting and dish out a bit of grief to those renegades they encounter.
It was of great interest to us, that many of those at the meeting discussed, " What are we going to do when the finds run out". Many said that getting out is the only way, they can escape their wives or partners and kids, and have a little " ME" time. One person said, " As long as I find the occasional gold or silver ring and gift it to her, I am good to go. One female Detectorist , remarked, that applies to us too, you know. I get sick of him sitting there, skulling his beer, burping and farting all night, and telling me how great he is. All I have to do is chuck him a few spendies (more Beer) and he is a happy camper. So it appears that to many, it is not so much the " Finds" but the peace and serenity they encounter on their nights adventure.
And then "The what do we do" subject took a most intriguing and strange turn. Believe it or not. When the "Finds" diminish to such an extent, that there is " No more adventure and thrill of the chase" this group intends to take up knitting. You know, "Drop one" Pearl One" knitting needles and all that stuff. But said one member at the meeting." I can hardly be seen in a pub or public place, clicking my needles. My mates might find out". This statement was met with public acclaim and much clapping. So it was decided to search for a country hall on the outskirts of Christchurch City where anonymity is guaranteed.
It just so happens that we are quite happy to share our meeting place, and our wives their knitting skills with these Detectorists. All we ask is that they teach us the skills of detecting, the language etc. Then we can go out and posing as Detectorists can also hunt for the rengades. This is a win win situation, they get to learn knitting in secrecy and we get to learn detecting. We may well have to practice, on ground that is sacred to us, and of course virgin, very virgin indeed. The Canterbury Cricket Association might jump up and down a bit. But in the course of our duties we are always taking plugs for testing. And quite often Bowlers complain about the ball taking an odd angle after striking the ground. Maybe its a bit of what "The Detectorist's" call trash, causing this, and best we locate and remove it. The same happens on grass tennis courts and many other of our sacred patches. We need to deal with that in a very professional manner.
I am aware of a Facebook page, that these Detectorists also frequent. I am a bit scared to join it and post this article, as sadly I have unwisely, not on purpose of course, disclosed " Their Master Plan"
Cheers. Best I remain, Just " The Hatter" at this stage
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